So, we've talked a bit about my conditions and their symptoms, but I wanted to do a separate post to talk about my mental health, the merry-go-round that I sometimes struggle to find my way off of, and a few of my coping mechanisms to stop myself getting dizzy.
All the while since starting this blog, I have been medically signed off work. Not for the first time unfortunately. I've been signed off a few times over the years with flare-ups.
One thing I have realised about this latest one is that it has felt so much worse because I haven't had the mental fortitude to cope. I had not realised how much I had relied on my reserves until the metaphorical rum ran out.
I've felt low before, of course, but this has been the most depressed I've felt in a long time. I haven't done my Three Positives posts for weeks, even though I enjoy doing them. I will bring them back though, but it's an easy thing to ditch when I'm so zapped of energy and motivation.
I get trapped in a paradox of feeling lonely but also not wanting to talk about it. My instinct when someone asks how I am is to minimise and then change the subject as quickly as possible. I am trying to do better about being more open and honest about how I'm coping with pain and sleep levels and where my head is at. That is partly why I wanted to start this blog, and find my way out of my messy, foggy brain.
A symptom that I have become familiar with, and I'm not sure if this is a side effect of anxiety or if it's one of my Endometriosis symptoms (probably another tag-teaming duo), is appetite issues.
Sometimes I have hunger pains that make me feel nauseous but within seconds of starting to eat, I'll completely lose my appetite and feel immediately nauseous. Was I even hungry or was it an insidious symptom tricking me into thinking I was hungry?
Other times I'll be caught in a cycle of comfort eating, where I don't think I'm especially hungry but my appetite compulsion will dictate otherwise.
So what do I find comfort in, other than at the bottom of a tube of Pringles?
I try to be kind to myself. It's really not easy sometimes when my body is hurting, even my bones feel tired and my brain is too busy fighting itself to be of much use, but there is comfort to be found.
I have two cats, Aragorn and Hardy, and they are very good nurse cats. They can be very good at picking up that I'm hurting or feeling low and will settle down with me for a cuddle.
Being able to just have an exhausted cry on my husband. A few weeks ago after a couple of days of virtually no sleep, I found my husband and very dramatically cried "I'm just so tired!" and collapsed into his arms and sobbed. I was still exhausted but the dam had broken, I had comfort and love through a hug, and I soon had a cup of tea.
Speaking of tea, Twinings Earl Grey is my favourite. It doesn't matter what time it is or how grotty I feel, a strong cuppa does make things slightly less horrible.
I find great comfort in books. My Bookcase of Doom is my pride and joy. It makes me happier and calmer just looking at it. I fill it with art/film books, horror, gothic literature and spooky trinkets.
Sometimes I go crazy and settle on the sofa under a fluffy blanket, with a book, a cup of Earl Grey and both cats. Sometimes I substitute the book for a murder programme. Whatever works.
Distraction can also be found in shiny decor projects. I get a bit obsessive about colour co-ordinating and finding accessories that complement a particular colour scheme or theme.
A few months ago the kitchen had a bit of a makeover and it was very satisfying to see the ideas in my head made real.
I've mentioned before that horror is my comfort blanket. Here are a few films and TV shows that have seen me through many a painsomnia night.
The Haunting of Hill House
The Haunting of Bly Manor
Midnight Mass
Ink
The Innkeepers
The Conjuring
Binge-watching true crime documentaries or wholesome programmes where I can shed some tears. The Repair Shop is great for that.
The key to self-care for me is finding anything that will help keep me company when I can't sleep or distract me when my brain is doom spiralling.
In my next post I will be talking more about stress, work absence anxiety, and HRT supply issues.
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