Going through the motions

I'm still full of lurgy. I've done Covid tests which have been negative but my cough and cold have been stubbornly lingering. It makes an already emotionally draining time, even more so.

Many years ago I had a bad case of bronchitis, and ever since I get a seasonal cough that can last weeks. For the last few years, it hasn't been too bad, but this time it's been worse than it has been for a long time. It's now at the point where I just feel exhausted by the act of coughing. Coughing that almost makes me vomit.

I feel like I am feeling and thinking the same things. Just being repeatedly battered. Adam said though that just because the thoughts are repetitive, I shouldn't hesitate just because I've said something before. If I need to get them out, then I should. I'm grateful for that.

I thankfully haven't encountered anyone that has tried to minimise my feelings. Or made me feel I'm overreacting. I've instead received a lot of kindness and sympathy, and it does mean a lot, but at the same time, I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

I'm in a bit of a depression, I think. Not able to get really excited about anything. Feeling like something is missing and wrong. Collapsing crying because my lap is bare.

My dispassionate inner scientist has been trying to observe and take notes about how I'm dealing with the loss of Aragorn and- oh, she's crying again.

Okay. Not okay.

We've also been hit with other stresses during this horrible time:

• We had to go back and forth with the council about a tree that was on a dangerous lean and was consequently encroaching onto our property and damaging the fence. Thankfully, this has been sorted out now. They sent someone out yesterday to chop the tree down so now I don't need to feel anxious when it's windy that it will blow over and smash up our new garden.

• A water leak in front of our front porch. Luckily, we have plumbing/drainage insurance and someone came out to look. Turns out our next door neighbour had a leak in virtually the same place so they think it was a pressure build up somewhere. Another team is coming out later this month which may involve digging up part of the drive.

• Adam's laptop has keeled over meaning he can't do all the fancy graphics stuff he usually does for our Hallowe'en party so no Hallowe'en quiz this year.

I feel sad and low. I miss my boy, I miss who I was with him. Those precious naps we had together were the best.

I'm sad that it's my favourite time of year and I don't have the emotional bandwidth to enjoy it. I just feel empty.