I had a pretty epic wobble last weekend. I feel like it hit differently this time because it was public at an event I really wanted to be on form for.
I think I have tried so hard to carefully cultivate this positive visage, using humour as a crutch. It has helped me, but it also in terms of this blog, makes the subject matter a bit more palatable.
I think what happened last weekend, it is fair to refer to it as a meltdown. A good analogy for chronic illness in general is the appearance of a dormant volcano that is constantly bubbling away inside, hidden from view.
Last weekend was a heatwave. It was also the wedding of one of my dearest friends. It was always going to be difficult for me but I had prepared for it as much as I could. I had my handheld fan and my neck fan, a big water bottle to make sure I kept hydrated, a decision to wear a more lightweight dress etc.
We were really lucky that our hotel had absolutely lovely air conditioning so after the journey on a thankfully well air conditioned coach, I was managing quite well.
The day of the wedding I was obviously too warm, we all were, but I was managing to keep from overheating.
Adam was being so considerate and solicitous as well. During the meal, my handheld fan died and he nipped back to our hotel which was only five minutes away from the venue to put it on charge and bring my neck fan.
In between the meal and the reception, we went back to the hotel to starfish in front of the air con for about an hour.
I don't know if it was actually warmer in the evening but the air certainly felt thicker and my fan wasn't able to provide the relief it had managed up to that point. A couple of hours at the reception and it gave up the ghost again.
After about an hour of constantly dabbing at my face with tissue and having to scrag my hair back, I started to struggle to cope.
I've had heat exhaustion before, and I started to feel it creeping. I was also self-conscious about my hair being tied back. I hate it tied back and because of the humidity it was damp and frizzy and felt scruffy. I know my face will have been red too. All my other nonsense flared up too so I was feeling swollen and in a zappy type pain on top of the general ick.
Adam continued to be watchful of me and I think he could tell I was really starting to struggle because he quietly offered to take me back to the hotel. It was so kind it burst through the last of my flailing defences and I felt a surge of tears building up.
I tried to turn away but I was overwhelmed by this point and the more I tried to hold it all back, the more exposed and overwhelmed I felt.
When I'm at my worst, I'm at home. Only Adam sees how bad it can get. The thought of people seeing me that way was mortifying to me and I especially didn't want to be the cause of any drama on this day of all days. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself, or feel like a burden.
Adam got me outside after discreetly letting people know he was taking me back to the hotel, and people were incredibly lovely and caring.
I insisted on Adam going back to the reception because I didn't want him to miss out on enjoying time with our friends, and honestly, I just needed some time alone where I could turn the air con up to the max, get out of my clothes and have a Hollywood worthy dramatic sob in a blissfully cold shower.
Adam was probably back at the hotel after about an hour or so because he hated thinking of me back at the hotel being upset.
Since we got home on Sunday, I've not being feeling well, with fatigue and painsomnia scrapping with each other, so with lack of sleep, my mental health and self-esteem have been through the floor. I took myself mostly offline for most of the week to kind of mentally hibernate and hopefully shutdown some of my negative thinking.
Usually, my instinct is to act positive or minimise how I'm feeling, and for a little while I was entirely done with that. I was ashamed and frustrated and despairing that I couldn't just have one normal day.
Adam has been doing his best to fortify me by telling me that I had managed most of the day and it was a big deal that I'd done that and he'd been impressed with how I'd coped. It meant a lot but I also knew that I needed to just allow myself to feel the way that I was feeling.
Am I okay now? Not really. Better than I was but still feeling a bit raw and fragile. I probably didn't show my appreciation at the time with all the meltdown happening, but I am grateful to have such sweet and caring friends and a husband that was completely there for me at a time when I couldn't be for myself.
For Adam, I mean this with all my heart: