I might have been hasty in my last post about my mental resilience. I feel like I'm stuck in a paradox of being okay but not okay. Feeling lonely but wanting to hide. Wanting to express myself but avoiding talking about it, except at a remove like this.
It definitely feels like an internal struggle with the side of me that looks at the positives of things, and the shadow.
I'm continuing to do my daily three positives posts because that still feels important but I don't know if I'd still be doing them at the moment if I hadn't already been in the habit of doing them for years.
I am sleeping a little better, but it feels like scraps. When I do sleep, it's filled with weird dreams that eventually wake me up with a headache and tinnitus and getting back to sleep isn't possible after that.
Yesterday was nice, despite feeling a bit...muffled by the codeine. My eyelids felt heavy and sore all day and while the end result was a relaxed day with nice food, it was after a bit of just going through the motions.
It never feels like very long before I'm back to being curled into the sofa on my own in the dark in front of the television.
It's weird to feel like I'm apart from myself. Disconnected from the world except through screens or pages. Looking down and trying to assess how I'm really feeling and it remaining a mystery.
I know this is fleeting. It's familiar and there's a strange comfort associated with that. Adam will make me laugh. Aragorn & Hardy will sleep on or next to me and I'll feel calm. I'll feel the little wins of making dinner or tidying the wardrobe.
Mister Babadook will soon be back in his basement and the book will be closed.
Comments