As a rule, I don't have a problem sleeping. In the before times I could get to sleep within minutes. Sleep was my friend. Then painsomnia became a thing and sleep became this elusive, desperate wish. It's difficult to sleep when it feels like you've been speared to the bed. Painsomnia is that overenthusiastic and bad influence friend that wants you to stay up for one more drink even though you're tired and pretty close to projectile vomiting but it's way past bedtime now so you shrug and decide you might as well.
I like to refer to my attacks of insomnia as painsomnia because usually it's the pain that prevents me from sleeping rather than sleep playing hard to get.
Lack of sleep also aggravates and inflames my various chronic symptoms which leads to more lack of sleep and the circle of strife goes ever on.
In the early hours - I'm talking dark night of the soul when it feels like I'm the only person awake in the world - my comfort blanket is horror, bizarre as that must seem to most people. In fact, I have been kept company by Mike Flanagan's The Haunting of Hill House so often during these times that I rate my flare-ups from 1-The Haunting of Hill House rewatch!
It's a special kind of torment to feel tired, in your bones, and not be able to sleep and knowing that restful sleep will help to combat the flare-up causing the painsomnia. Pain I can just about manage, but a short period of fractured sleep and I'm brought low.
I've sought temporary sleep aids from the doctor before and they have been reluctant to prescribe sleeping tablets and I respect that. They know that's not the problem and would rather get on top of managing the pain because sleep will then follow.
What's also disheartening is the opposite side of the scale when sleep completely takes me out. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to finally be unconscious, but I've had occasions where I've slept whole days away and still woken up feeling unrefreshed and exhausted. I can't win!
My philosophy now is just take sleep where I can get it.
In my next post I will be talking about a few things that help me with body confidence.
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