It's not just the physical side of things that impacts on the life of someone with chronic conditions. Often, our self-confidence/esteem take a heck of a beating. It's not easy to feel pretty when your body and your mind have been KO'd in the ring.
I try to be positive as much as possible as I have discovered recently how vital mental reserves are to absorb some of the body blows, but I allow myself to feel down when feeling positive is just beyond me at that moment. One thing (among many) I have struggled with is allowing myself some space to feel low. My feelings are valid, no matter what the brain weasels want me to believe.
A few years ago, as a coping strategy, I started posting three positives at the end of each day on my social media. I was inspired by a TED Talk by Shawn Achor
I've fallen off the wagon with posting them recently as I've needed to focus all my scant energies on trying to recover from a flare-up, but I will get back into it.
Sometimes, again when I have the energy, I try to give myself a boost by putting a bit of makeup on and clothing that isn't leggings and a t-shirt. As a result, I've experimented with lots of different lipstick colours these last couple of years. It's something else to focus on.
Even if I'm unable to go out, I can put on a face and a funky pair of Snag Tights and drop the usual drab feeling for a while. Anyone unlucky enough to be a member of the Stabby McStabface club will be familiar with something colloquially referred to as "endo belly". It means severe bloating. It can make you feel incredibly self-conscious because who wants to look pregnant when they aren't?
Body confidence has been an issue for me, absolutely. In the before times I was enjoying exercising at home and for the first time, I was doing regular workouts and sticking with it instead of giving up after a couple of weeks. I was getting fitter and felt the healthiest and most confident I had probably ever felt.
Then my symptoms changed and dialled up to 11, working out became painful, motivation was something difficult to try to scratch together. After my first laparoscopy, when I didn't realise that my conditions were going to be chronic, I think I was optimistic about there being a time when it would all be past tense, and as the weeks and months and years passed, I finally had to accept the reality that I think I had been in denial about.
That hurt. It still hurts and I think I will probably have peaks and troughs with it forever.
I try to be kind to myself and not give into insidious thoughts that want me to spiral down; which is where the playing with lipsticks stemmed from.
Around the same time I became a convert of Snag Tights. Not only do they have an amazing range of colours and patterns, but they're incredibly comfortable and fit great too. No more rolling down or pulling up!
Even if I'm not mobile enough to go out and see friends, I can make an occasion out of staying stylish at home, having a gin and some nice food, and watching a film.
They've recently branched out into producing other clothing like skirts, pinafores and dungarees. I only have one pair of the pinafores (so far) but they're great for me because the fabric is so soft and they don't pinch in areas like around my belly so I can feel confident as well as comfortable.
I have recently learnt that they are working on producing a bra! My ample bosom is already giving an excited heave.
Snag are a lovely company to engage with too. They're responsive and supportive on social media and they're very diverse and inclusive in their whole approach. I love that none of their packaging contains plastic and it's always colourful and cheerful.
Their clothing has helped me claw back some of that lost confidence and embrace what I can't change rather than use it as a stick to beat myself with. I used to hate tucking tops into a skirt, for example, because I wouldn't want to draw attention to my belly, but I found wearing their tights and skirts and teaming them with a favourite top gave me the confidence to stick my figurative middle finger up to those brain weasels.
I'm not being paid to rave about them, by the way! I'm just an enthusiastic fan! It's no small thing to snag (pun intended) some confidence when your mental and physical reserves are running low. So, if I can eke out a little comfort and distraction, I'm going to grab the opportunity with both hands.
The way I try to see it is that these conditions and their fun variety of symptoms can be cruel enough without my brain joining in with the kicking. I'm not always going to win of course, but I should draw some strength from the fact that I have managed to stand back up again each time.
In my next post I will talk a bit more about my coping mechanisms.
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