When I update this here blog, I try to evenly cover off how living with chronic illnesses affect me physically and mentally. It's all connected in that wonderful Circle of Strife.
Some symptoms are more frustrating than others. Bizarrely, chronic pain I am able to accept. I have Codeine, Morphine, Amitriptyline etc. in my arsenal, and various comfort strategies.
Other symptoms I don't have sufficient fortifications against. Like chronic fatigue and painsomnia.
Regardless of whether or not I have slept well, my body only seems to have two modes:
Tired. Not had enough sleep
Tired. Had decent sleep but want/need more. Never satisfied
I would say the biggest bane in my life, which might be surprising to some, is the hot flushes. If I had the option of making just one of my symptoms go away forever, it would be the hot flushes/instant sweats.
They make me feel so self-conscious and if I'm ever trying to plan a rare outing, I will immediately feel anxious about being struck with a hot flush which most often targets the nape of my neck and my forehead.
I can get out of the shower feeling lovely and fresh one minute, to feeling like a swamp witch the next.
When my self-esteem is already badly beaten, the last thing I need when I'm trying to make myself feel pretty, is to have to plan in plenty of time for fan breaks so I'm not trying to put makeup on a sweaty face.
Yesterday, I left the house for the first time in a while that wasn't for medical reasons and actually ventured to another city.
Happily, for the first time in, I can't even remember when, I had my shower and got dressed and made up without a single hot flush! I obviously planned in plenty of extra time so I wasn't rushing around, but this was the first time I didn't feel like a hot flush was lurking, ready to strike.
It started out quite grey but I didn't bother with a jacket and just kept a cardigan in my bag just in case. It was nice to feel fresh air on my skin. It was on the right side of chilly for me and I was actually feeling nice about being out and about.
Adam and I got the coach to Nottingham and had a lovely afternoon with friends, drinking white wine in a pub garden and even getting a little sun.
Maybe the lack of hot flush attack was a fluke. I started taking an evening primrose oil supplement a month ago. Studies have shown it can help to lessen the severity and duration of hot flushes so I didn't think it would hurt to give it a try. I have that now, as well as keeping as cool as possible.
It's easy to feel chained by all my various symptoms and with that resultant hermitude comes the fear and loss of missing out on all the things I'd like to be doing and places I'd like to be going. Having a change of scene for an afternoon and seeing people was welcome but, a change in routine and more moving about than what my body is accustomed to, leads to the inevitable threat of punishment.
We got the coach early evening and had a thankfully uneventful journey home.
Not long after getting in, my lower back started complaining and I had a cracking headache with really loud tinnitus. Codeine, tea and lots of water helped.
Yes, my body can be very burdensome and uncooperative, and it's always reminding me that it knows when I'm getting up to something close to having a good time...
...and yet, I had a good time and for those short hours, I felt on good form and I am grateful for even that brief reprieve.
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