I completed my first week back at work on a phased return. It was nerve-wracking and I had the Sunday night doomies for the first time in a long time.
It reminded me a lot of the feeling of going back to school, particularly after the summer holidays. The music to The Antiques Roadshow used to be a herald of woe.
I knew the dread would be worse than the reality and getting back into a routine would be good for me.
I had a reasonable night's sleep. I say reasonable, because I had a night terror. I used to have bad nightmares and night terrors as a child. I still remember those nights waking up in the dark with that sense of cloying dread.
In this one, I started awake convinced a giant had was about to smack down on me.
I was at my bedroom door before I realised it was a nightmare. It's amazing how convincing they can be. For those few seconds I was absolutely sure I was about to die.
Anyway...
I decided I would log onto my laptop on the Sunday to make sure I hadn't forgotten my password after all this time. I had and locked myself out. Luckily, I was able to to call the IT 24 hour line and they managed to get me in. I am very glad I didn't have to faff about doing that on Monday morning!
My boss had put a call in the diary first thing, including the manager in Australia we work with a lot. They had clearly discussed my phased return and had a plan in place. They were both so welcoming and they wanted to make sure they I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed.
They recommended that I set myself to "away" to avoid people spotting I was back just yet and I'm being kept away from the time critical enquiry work. Instead I'm going to be doing project work in the background and it's definitely taken some pressure off as I can be my own worst enemy by fighting myself and wanting to get straight back into things for fear of falling behind.
I need to be better at appreciating the limitations that my body puts on me and by trying to push myself too much too soon it's only going to set me back unnecessarily. If I'm not being pressured by work then I shouldn't be pressuring myself.
I worked from 6:30am-12:00pm on Monday, Wednesday and today (Friday) and I'm really grateful that my phased return plan including a couple of rest days because I did feel tired and wiped out.
My first team call on Wednesday morning was really nice as my boss gave me another warm welcome back and explained my phased return plan to everyone.
Over the course of the week I had some calls with just my boss with non-urgent work and I really got a self-confidence boost from feeling useful again and having my opinions appreciated by my boss. I had forgotten how warm and fluffy those feelings of being valued could be.
During my rest day yesterday I received a call from the external company that put my phased return plan together. They just wanted to check in with me and see how I was doing. It was all very positive and I was pleased to be able to say that the week had been going well and I was receiving good support.
My husband Adam has been very supportive and it has been nice to be able to share the buzz of having had a good week. He presented me with my favourite chocolates, Thorntons Alpini Pralines to celebrate my first week back at work!
I'm going to take things as steady as I can. The temptation can be there to ride the wave of positivity and want to do all the things but I'm reining that in a bit. I'm looking forward to Goth Girl Summer fun for the Adam Fest picnic next weekend.
Next week I'll catch up on how my second week of my phased return has gone!
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