When I'm dealing with a particularly brutal flare-up, like now, it's difficult to maintain mental resilience which I talked about a little in my previous post.
Stress and anxiety thrive and are an affective duo that feed off each other. The result? Shenanigans.
We're all familiar with vicious circles. I call my pain, stress and insomnia the Circle of Strife. My pain flares up which leads to lack of sleep. Lack of sleep leads to stress. Stress leads to the Dark Side.
I'm very lucky that I have an incredibly kind, understanding and supportive boss. I've had to be very open and candid about my conditions due to the time off I've had to take over the yesrs. I think it probably helps that she has familiarity with chronic illness herself so it gives her a lot of insight.
I have been very grateful for some of the conversations that we have had. She knows that I want to work. Before we had our two newest team members, cover for my role was difficult so I often worked voluntary overtime and on occasions where I was signed off, I would still log on for two or three hours to keep on top of our enquiries mailbox. The guilt demon was strong. I hate leaving my boss in the lurch.
Guilt can be incredibly insidious and stressful. It makes me stress about what people might be thinking of me, that I'll be considered unreliable or taking the proverbial.
Even though no one has ever given me any reason to think those things. I worry about not being at work, at missing out on projects so I'll be behind on things when I do return, I'll miss the satisfaction of working in the team and being a source of knowledge and help.
It's like my rational brain is trying to herd rampant stress cats, determined to fight me and each other.
My boss is great, she knows me well and she knows that I want to work and that I worry about not being there. During a recent emotional call with her, I explained how difficult it is when I place a lot of my self-worth in being useful. Feeling useless is not an easy battle to fight, and it's like a malevolent presence hovering over your shoulder, ready to remind you how useless you are.
When I'm medically signed off like I am at the moment, I try to take comfort from tiny victories. Even if it's just something like sorting out the dishwasher, tidying the mess under the kitchen sink or organising a shelf on Bookcase of Doom.
One cause of stress for me at the moment is supply issues with my HRT. My prescription is for Evorel 75 patches. It helps manage the symptoms of Perimenopause. It's not the first time there have been supply issues. On that occasion I was prescribed an alternative which was fine and I was on that for a while. Then the last time I tried to renew my prescription I found out that it had been discontinued, the GP then said that I could try Evorel 75 which was my original prescription, so I went back onto that.
It's been quite widely publicised about the supply issues in the UK, to the point that the government have talked about appointing a HRT tsar. Click here for more information from the British Menopause Society.
So far, I have been without my HRT since Easter which isn't fun, particularly with my hot flushes and energy levels.
I've tried several pharmacies, all saying they can't get them. Lloyds Direct are at least trying to get my prescription for me but in the meantime I'm stuck without. I get 3 months worth at a time, so every 3 months there's the stress of whether or not I'm going to be able to get my prescription.
Hopefully, my prescription will come through soon!
In my next post I will be talking more about my path to diagnoses and the importance of understanding doctors.
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