I hope everyone has been coping as well as they possibly can in the heat. For the most part, I coped pretty well. I am so grateful to have been back on my patches because I think I would have been in trouble otherwise.
I wanted to do an update on where I'm at in this looooooong flare-up and the support I've been receiving from work during my absence.
I'm in a much better place than I was only a few weeks ago. I have drastically reduced my use of codeine and morphine as pain levels have been much reduced and more manageable.
Only a few weeks ago, my innards felt like they were being stabbed alternately by a hot poker and an icicle, and I was often driven to my sheets of codeine or bottle of morphine.
As a result, my brain often felt foggy and crowded and when I was feeling a bit more with it, the guilt gremlins would start cackling and singing.
Early on during my absence from work, my contact with work was minimal except for when I submitted my latest medical note or exchanged messages or a couple of phone calls with my boss.
It was a bit of a paradox really because while I was grateful for the distance from work, my anxiety would wake up and start strutting if I hadn't heard from my boss.
When I was caught up in a doom spiral all sorts of panic inducing thoughts and scenarios would surround my puny defences and be like pitchforks at dawn, chanting about losing my job, telling me I was useless and a burden and people must be really fed up of me by now.
At the beginning of this month, I had a catch up call with my boss which really helped to put me at ease and she also wanted to pass on my contact details to the person in HR she had been speaking to in order to discuss any support they could offer me. I was happy to do this but at the same time, just hearing a mention of HR was enough to put the frighteners up me.
I know it's just something ingrained in me a long time ago but I was still nervous about it.
They sent me an email and a flyer about the Employee Assistance Programme that contains various support options, particularly in relation to mental health. We had a call to talk it all through which was helpful.
They also wanted me to speak to an external company they employ. Essentially to check I'm getting sufficient support from my GP and plug any gaps in my care and discuss a phased return to work etc.
The case manager assigned to me was very easy to talk to and I expressed my wish to do a phased return to work at the end of my current medical certificate.
The frighteners were introduced again though when they mentioned they would need access to my medical records.
Again, I think this was my brain weasels getting over-excited as it was explained to me that they wanted to review my records as part of the identifying possible treatment gaps, but the chittering weasels were determined to make me thing it was to find a way to fire me or something equally dramatic.
I was able to review the records from my GP before they were sent off though. It's always interesting to read what is said about you! I was happy with it though as it backed up everything I had said about my conditions and treatment and I was pleased to see it noted that I was anxious about not being at work.
Then the wait began to see what would happen after they had received my records.
I received a call from the external company last week after I had expressed my intention to HR to return to work after this latest medical certificate. They were very nice. We talked about where I was at in terms of pain and sleeping and then we discussed what I wanted to do about returning to work. They then went away to put together a report and phased return plan.
They sent me the plan to review first before sending it to my work. I was pleased to note that they said I had sought appropriate treatment to date so my medical records clearly backed me up. I know, there was never a reason to question that they wouldn't, but my paranoid brain really did its best to convince me otherwise.
Once all the bureaucracy was sorted out with sorting out a medical certificate from my GP for the phased return (I understand why it's necessary but it's still a bit tedious) I had a call yesterday morning with HR and my boss.
I was really pleased to talk with my boss as it had been the beginning of the month when we last had any contact. We went through the phased return plan.
I'm doing 16.5 hours next week, going up to 21 hours in week 2, 28 hours in week 3 and all being well, back to full-time in week 4.
My boss is arranging a catch up call for us on Monday morning but the first week is probably just going to be catching up on the mountain of emails and just getting used to the routine again.
I was heartened to hear that I was missed and colleagues would be pleased to have me back. I'm keen and nervous in probably equal measure, but I will be glad to feel back in the world a bit and drown those insidious and pernicious guilt gremlins.
Next week I will post an update on how my first week back went!
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