The Possession

I am very glad that it's the weekend, and even more so because it's a three day weekend.

I'm going to talk about work in this blog post, but it's not a rant by any means - or - not directed at work anyway. I'm really lucky with my managers and colleagues. A lot of people have my back.

We were told a few weeks ago that we were going to be responsible for managing a system on behalf of the various practice groups and we would each be assigned to a group.

This week we had our introduction and some training on the system, which is completely new to us. I think that's all the background needed.

The stress and anxiety I've been feeling this week has been quite alarming. I have been with my employer for over nine years. I've been through lots of new ways of working, restructures, new managers, new projects. Change has been quite a normal experience.

But the way I have been feeling this week, it's really brought it crashing home how much of my confidence has been slowly but carefully eroded by my health issues.

I used to get stuck into taking on new responsibilities, raising my profile, being excited about learning something new, and then being able to train others.

I have been reading a very illuminating book about perimenopause and its various mental and physical impacts, and I think it is partly the culprit for feeling possessed by an anxiety and panic demon lately.

It's made me feel a bit like a shadow of my former self, and that makes me feel sad on top of everything else.

I don't like feeling unreceptive to learning new things, or afraid of getting things wrong and letting people down, or getting into an anxiety spiral about things I haven't even learned yet.

I love working from home, and I would never change that for anything, but it has made it easier for me to minimise myself and let myself slip into the shadows.

It's not all doom and gloom and panic induced hot flushes though.

I have tried to be proactive about confronting how I've been feeling and taken steps to try to exorcise the demons. I've spoken to my boss a few times and been honest about how I'm feeling because I knew it wouldn't do me any good to internalise it all.

She was really understanding and supportive. I explained that I have been doing my own head in because I've not had any pressure put on me by anyone else. I've been a victim of my own inadequacy.

I told her I knew that I was getting ahead of myself by stressing out about things I haven't even learnt yet and she was reassuring that nobody expected me to immediately pick up the work, and that we all need to take things slowly.

The problem is, over this last week or two, I've had these reassuring conversations that have made me feel better and it has felt like a fluffy blanket being laid over the chattering brain weasels, only for them to chew through it and start chittering again with renewed enthusiasm.

This morning, I was feeling tired, hurty, anxious, and fed up. I felt like the training sessions this week had gotten away from me. I was following it okay but what I did struggle with is the context of how I would be using it, which is still a bit fuzzy. I learn best by doing and I haven't done that yet.

I lost my patience with the brain weasels and their incessant, noisy, destructive antics and I put a meeting in with someone in the practice group I've been assigned to and who I will be working with a lot.

I laid it all out. Yes, I was worried about sounding like a crazy person, but I thought it was worth the risk, and I'm glad I did.

We have worked together before, and over the years I've helped her with various things, so I have a bedrock of goodwill about my work, which helps.

She was really lovely; complimentary about my competence, understanding about how I was feeling, and she was also keen that I shouldn't feel anxious. She explained that she fully appreciated that I already have a full time job, that they were grateful that I was going to help them, and reassured me that they already have processes that work, I won't have anything dumped on me and then left to muddle through.

We have now booked in a weekly catch up call so I can slowly get to grips with things.

If I can give anyone any advice if you're struggling with anxiety and panicky feelings, as difficult as it is to even contemplate doing it; talk to someone about it. I got some relief from getting things out of my head, and I do feel proud about instigating discussions and being honest, especially with people in a position to be able to offer me the support and help that I need.

Is it frustrating that my body feels out of my control, that it can fill me with dread and anxiety that feels like it's wrapping round my neck, that it can strangle my confidence out of me? ABSOLUTELY.

But...I'm not going to be a passive victim, I can grapple some control back for myself. Brain weasels are persistent and LOUD but I can always get more fluffy blankets.