With a kind of inevitability, I am currently signed off work. It's been a bit of a badge of honour that it's been two years since I was last signed off and while I have been feeling that getting through each day has been more of a battle, I have been stubborn about "giving in". I know, I know. Will I ever learn? I should have seen the blood in the water.
The chronic fatigue in particular has been dragging me down at every opportunity. Waking up feeling heavy, not even sleepy so much as bone tired. It's really difficult to get a positive start on the day when it feels like something is trying to drag you under.
There's always the hope that if I just keep kicking, I'll make it to shallow waters but the thing about unseen currents is you can be fighting and trying to drive forward to effectively stay still, treading water. It's not sustainable. Eventually you will tire and slip under.
Deep down, I knew what was going to happen but I had to go through the usual motions of sculling my feelings of guilt and inertia about making an actual decision.
I did get there though and once I had decided I felt compelled to do something about it straight away which is why I logged onto work late Sunday night. I intended to put a call in my manager's diary to explain where I was at but I saw she was out of the office until the end of the week. I saw one of the managers in our team based in Australia was online so I had a call with her. Email is fine but I wanted to have a proper conversation with someone. She was lovely about it which made me feel reassured enough to draft the necessary emails to managers and team members.
It took me ages while I agonised over the wording and then I lost time to tying up some outstanding tasks but after a couple of hours, I felt happy enough to log off.
I had a lovely WhatsApp message in the morning from one of the managers to let me know she was thinking of me and to rest and not worry about work. I had been having fitful sleeps at that point but I felt like my body could crash after that and sank into a dark and deep sleep that kept me pulled under until nearly 5pm.
I just needed to do the official bit of getting the sign off note from my GP. I couldn't get an appointment for Monday but they called me early this morning. The doctor was really gentle and supportive and immediately signed me off for a couple of weeks. It was a relief that it was so straightforward.
I logged back onto work to update people and saw that my boss and several other people had responded to me and I felt quite emotional by how supportive and understanding people were. It really means a lot. I think I have built up a lot of goodwill with people over the years and they know I want to be working.
Now that I have done the admin stuff, I can let my body collapse for a bit if it wants to.